"Is a Puzzlement"
[Spoken]

When I was a boy
World was better spot.
What was so was so,
What was not was not.
Now I am a man;
World have changed a lot.
Some things nearly so,
Others nearly not.
There are times I almost think
I am not sure of what I absolutely know.
Very often cause confusion
In conclusion I concluded long ago
In my head are many facts
That, as a poseur, I have studied to procure,
In my head are many facts..
Of which I wish I was more certain I was sure!
Is a puzzlement...
[Sung]
What to tell waiting press
What for instance, shall I say to them of Swift Boats?
Shall I educate them on the ancient wounds?
Shall I tell the press as far as they are able,
To find my form One Eighty and my war notes?
Shall I tell them everyone is like the other,
And the better of the two is really Gallic?
If I tell them this I think they won't believe it-
And I nearly think that they will not perceive me phallic!
When my hero was a king
A Kennedy who knew exactly what he knew,
And his brain was not a thing
Forever swinging to and fro and fro and to.
Shall I, then be like my hero
And be willfully unmovable and strong?
Or is it better to be careful?...
And deny the starlets my blueblood schlong?
Shall I join with other nations in alliance?
Though allies are weak, I'm not best alone!
But allies who try to help protect me,
Are not these the very ones I wish to disown?
Is a danger to be running for office,
Red states seldom want to do what Liberal wishes;
But unless someday somebody clue me in
I'll be stuck on Beacon Hill in apron drying dishes!
There are times I almost think
Nobody sure of what I absolutely know.
Everybody find confusion
In conclusion I concluded long ago
And it puzzle me to learn
That tho' a man may be in doubt that I'm a hero,
Very quickly he will claim...
He'll claim to prove that what I say is not so!
Oh-h-h-h-h-h Sometimes I think that people going mad!
Ah-h-h-h-h-h! Sometimes I think that people not so bad!
But not matter what I think
I must go on living life.
As teller of my legend I must go forth,
Be father to my children and husband to rich wife
Etcetera, etcetera, and so forth.
If my Pal in Gerogetown Schrum, show the way,
Everyday I will revise another way.
If my Pal in Gerogetown Schrum, show the way,
Everyday I do my best for one-more day!
[Spoken]
But...Is a puzzlement!

Soylent Red

When I take you out tonight with me
Valerie, here's the way it's gonna be
You will set behind a team of painted Seals
In the slickest gig you'll ever see.
NVA and Cong better scurry
When I take you out in a flurry
When I take you out in a flurry with my Swift Boat crew
Watch that jungle closely with patience
When I shoot them high-steppin' Asians
Nosy pokes will peak through their shutters and my gun will pop!
The Asians are yellow, the Swift Boat's green
The video camera's a-runnin'
With me in the middle of the scene
In case there's a chance at the White House
Two big .50's winkin' and blinkin'
Ain't no finer rig I'm a thinkin'
You can shut yer hole if yer thinkin' that I'll ever name
That mission in the Swift Boat that will bring me fame
Two big .50's winkin' and blinkin'
Ain't no finer rig I'm a thinkin'
You can shut yer hole if yer thinkin' that I'll ever chat
'Bout that mission in the Swift Boat where I got a Lucky Hat
C-A-M-B-O-D-I-A
Cambodia! That way!

Soylent Red

"The Swift Boat Skipper's Song"

I am the very model of a modern Swift Boat skipper,
I've arrogance from head right down to slipper,
I know the kings of France, and I quote the fights historical
From Dien Bien Phu to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters geographical,
I understand directions, though some may say that's laughable,
About Cambodia I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With many dubious facts about the path that I did choose.
I'm very good at historical amendment;
Especially when it involves a prior commendment:
I've arrogance from head right down to slipper,
I am the very model of a modern Swift Boat skipper.
I know my mythic history, Cam Ranh Bay and Ha Tien;
I dodge from hard timetables, but will fabricate some now and then,
I quote in French all the crimes of Winter Soldier,
And stand behind my treason since I've got older;
I can tell widow millionaires from interns, dumb and chubby,
I'm not above debasing myself, and preening as their hubby!
Then I can hum a bar of "Le Marseillase" in half tones,
And throw a baseball nowhere near the strike zone.
Then I can write a useless bill on naming buildings,
And bolster it a bit with verbal gilding:
I've arrogance from head right down to slipper,
I am the very model of a modern Swift Boat skipper.
In fact, when I know what is meant by "gigolo" and "nuance",
When I can tell at sight a M-16 from Admiral Spruance,
When such affairs as firefights and insertions I'm more wary at,
And when I know precisely when to wear my magic "Lucky Hat",
When I have learnt what progress has been made in weapons systems,
When I bitch about Osama and how we missed 'em—
In short, when I've a smattering of fabricated strife—
I'll beat the Swift Boat skipper meme to inches of its life.
For my military knowledge, reported plucky and adventury,
Was edited the middle of last century;
But still, I soldier on bright and chipper,
I am the very model of a modern Swift Boat skipper.

Soylent Red

"The Shiftboats is a comin.
Their hats are in sight,
Swiftboats is a comin,
There's bailing tonight,
Why dontcha hurry Johnny Kerry Home,
Why dontcha hurry Johnny Kerry Home,
Look here,The Swiftboats is a comin
Theres bailing tonight.

PeterUK

Firefights in jungles and shooting in faces
Transporting spooks out to exotic places
Made up adventures and all that they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Snuffing out Charlie when he tries to hide,
Super 8 cameras on my good side
Beaching my Swift Boat without any dings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Chucking my medals o'er high White House fences,
Voting down bills that would bolster defenses,
Widows that bankroll some boss windsurfing
These are a few of my favorite things,
When the Swifties,
Run commercials,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel, so bad.

Soylent Red

"Mekong River"

"Mekong River, wider than a mile,
I'm cruising you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you hat faker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two grifters off to fool the world.
There's such a lot of world to fleece.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,"
my undercover friend,
Mekong River and me."

PeterUK

America was having trouble
What a sad, sad story
Needed a new leader to restore
Its former glory
Where, oh, where was he?
Where could that man be?
We looked around and then we found
The man for you and me
LEAD TENOR KOSSUCKER:
And now it's...
Springtime for Wilson and Valerie
Winter for Cheney and Bush!
We're marching to a faster pace
Look out, here comes the Democrats!

Springtime for Kerry and America
USA's a fine land once more!
Springtime for Pelosi and Kennedy
Watch out, Limbaugh
We're going on tour!
CUT TO Bouzouki band and high stepping Kossacks dressed black rubber,as Kos himself said "Be safe out there".
Fade to black,pinspot,
solo John F Kerry singing,
"If I Ruled the World".

PeterUK

Joey, Don't Be A Hero... (with half-hearted apologies to Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods)

The marchin' band came down along Main Street
The statesmen blues fell in behind
I looked across and there I saw Joey
Waiting to go and join the line
And with her head upon his shoulder
His young and lovely fiancee
From where I stood I saw she was cryin'
And through her tears I heard her say

Joey, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life
Joey, don't be a hero, come back and make me your wife
And as he started to go she said, Joey, keep your head low
Billy, don't be a hero, just drink some tea
The statesmen blues were trapped by a blogslide
The battle raging all around
The Presse Ancienne cried, We've got to hang on, boys!
We've got to hold this piece of ground
I need a volunteer to ride up
And bring us back some extra lies
And Joey's hand was up in a moment
Forgettin' all the words she said

She said
Joey, don't be a hero, don't be a fool with your life
Joey, don't be a hero, come back and make me your wife
And as he started to go she said, Joey, keep your head low
Joey, don't be a hero, just drink some tea

I heard his fiancee got a letter
That told how Billy lied that day
The letter said that he was a hero
She should be proud he lied that way
I heard she threw that letter away ...

Knucklehead

Give Me A Ticket For An Airoplane
I Ain't Got Time To Take No Fast Train
Oh ,The Lonely Days Are Gone
I'm coming Home
My Baby She Wrote Me A Letter

I Don't Care How Much Mint Tea I Got To Drink
I Write an Op-Ed when I get Home.
Oh The Lonely Days Are Gone
I'm coming home
My Baby, She Wrote Me A Letter

She Wrote Me A Letter
She said Iraq don't buy uranium ore from Niger No More
Listen To Me Mister Don't You Ever Out
My Baby once more
Anyway

Give Me A Ticket For An Airoplane
I Ain't Got Time To Take No Fast Train
Oh ,The Lonely Days Are Gone
I'm coming home

My Baby She Wrote Me A Letter

PeterUK

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